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Elle Fan "Tshoos!"
There are these people sitting around in a cafe. One of
them is ELLE. She is sitting at a table by herself, sipping some
cocoa. At another table sits BROM, a man in his late
forties. He is twiddling his thumbs and rubbing the nose of
a tiny elephant, which is not real but actually stuffed.
There are some various other people sitting at tables, they are
just sitting there and drinking cocoa, coffee, mint herbal
infusions. They're not really doing anything special.
ELLE (to herself)
Where is that bastard? God I hate
waiting. She always takes her sweet time in getting here.
BROM (to himself)
Waiting, waiting, waiting... still waiting.
There is silence in the cafe. Nobody really does anything,
short of small talk between the people who are not ELLE or
BROM. ELLE and BROM are sitting in their chairs, drinking
their drinks.
ELLE ( to herself)
Well, I think it is high time I eat something. Christ, it
has been two days now, why can't I just eat something?
Fuck, I hate food. It's so inconvenient. I feel like
such a damn slave to food sometimes. If you don't eat it,
you will feel weak and eventually die.
BROM (to himself, somewhat loud)
Still. Still waiting. Waiting to be still.
Can't be still because I'm still waiting.
There is a person at the doorway. FANNY. ELLE has
been waiting for her.
ELLE (to Fanny)
I thought the German were a notoriously on time sort of people.
FANNY
I thought the French were a notoriously patient sort of people.
ELLE
Patience is one thing, but two days? I mean bloody hell, I
had to camp out here for that time, they were starting to get
irritated. I mean have a good look at my hair!
FANNY
Forget about your hair, you are still looking as bright and
sunshine filled as you always do. Damn you are cute.
ELLE
Cute? I'm bloody exhausted.
BROM (to himself)
Still, still, still. Still, still, still.
ELLE
That man has been sitting here longer than I have. It's a
wonder the police haven't dragged him away. These twenty
four hour cafes are a miracle. I wonder how people got by
before them.
FANNY
You do have an apartment.
ELLE
Of course I do, and you've been there.
FANNY
Twice. Exactly twice. Why are we always spending the
night at my place? I mean, come on, your bed is much more
comfortable than mine.
ELLE
I hate beds. I always sleep on the couch.
FANNY
The couch? I always go to bed next to you, and wake up next
to you. We're in a bed when all of this is happening.
ELLE
I have an incredible internal alarm system. I wake up an
hour after we go to sleep, hit the couch, wake up minutes before
you are up for the morning, and then get back into bed with you.
FANNY
And to think all that time I have been thinking you just have a
thing for going to the bathroom in the morning.
ELLE
Nothing personal of course.
FANNY
Nothing personal? I mean come on, I have thought you loved
sleeping with me.
ELLE
Naturally I do. I just happen to pine for couches,
especially when I can't sleep.
BROM (loud)
There! It's gone! It's gone! It was there, but
now it's not! It's gone!
ELLE (whispers to FANNY)
Sodding nut. I mean this guy has been periodically yelling
and mumbling to himself.
FANNY
Do you want a bite.
ELLE
Bite me. I've been here for two straight days without so
much as a bran muffin. Of course I want a bite.
FANNY
Then let's get the hell out of here. Tuna or swordfish?
ELLE
I hate fish. Can't we have bread for once?
FANNY
The lord commanded us not to eat bread during Passover.
ELLE
I didn't know you were Jewish.
FANNY
Of course I'm not Jewish. It just seems like a bad idea to
disobey commanding commands.
ELLE
I hope it's not too late to sell that loaf I baked this morning.
FANNY
Don't worry, I know some good pigeons who might like it.
BROM
Ding! Ding! Must go now!
BROM exits the cafe. The two women sit and stare at him as
he leaves. They look at each other with a set of puzzled
looks.
ELLE
Freaky.
FANNY
Damn straight. Food time?
ELLE
It's about time.
FANNY and ELLE leave the cafe.